I've had this for years, actually. Leave an incredibly loud, chaotic rock show, attended by people 5-10 my junior, at around 3AM, get up for work, And wonder what the hell I'm doing. The next day I'll be fine.. but every once in a while I'll come home, and feel a twinge of longing..
Right now, there are several Israeli bands touring somewhere on another continent. One of them has made a proper "career" out of constant motion - a good 200 or so shambolic shows a year, alternately touring Europe and the States. I seriously doubt they're financially all that profitable; in fact, once they finally take a break - 3+ years and counting of constant touring, those crazy bastards - I wouldn't be surprised if they come back more or less breaking even. But they will have lived; made use of their time on this earth. Their reality is my dream. and every once in a while it completely kills me.
I was on a tour a couple years ago, and just thrived on the change of scenery, the disconnect from "normal" life, the parties, the little stories, the nighttime stillness at a truck-stop in Montana. An incredible adventure.
Standing between me and this is my own rationality, and my own penchant for - how ironic is this? - stability. I'm well and truly split. I do the day job thing well. It's not my favorite thing in the world to do, and I certainly don't define myself by it, but I do do it well, and there's a degree of comfort I've learned to appreciate. Still, out there is this chaotic, crazy existence beckoning me, where you literally live off your music and have no idea what tomorrow brings. Brilliant. To do it, though, I would have to poke a pretty big hole in my reality - really make some fundamental changes, and some significant sacrifices to boot...
Dreams and reality. As time goes on, one seems more and more to preclude the other. And as I move into my 30s it becomes obvious I have to take some kind of stand, do a leap of faith. I've got two polar directions to leap and two voices in my head battling it out in a long, on-again-off-again, grueling battle.
So far I'm still watching, but this fight is getting ugly...
1 comment:
Oh wow... I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I've been having the same dream vs reality problem... being torn apart between a "normal" stable life, and an artist's life.
But I realized that you can make your own definition of reality, reality for someone can be a dream for someone else. My dream is to be an artist, and to have a kind of arty bohemian, but relaxed and somewhat stable life, and to feel happy and "real", without the doubts and the never ending head f***s. I'm unfortunately still not making a living out of my art, and have to do odd jobs here and there, BUT I have stopped wondering and hesitating and f***ing up my mind, as now I am true to myself, and I know where I'm going. I'm doing what was meant to be. It's what makes me "real"and happy. Life is too short and a stable mind is the most important.
So the trick now is to find a way of combining my artist life with my future family life. But if I can imagine it, then it must be possible.
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